Grieving Pet Loss.

Peanut was a well-mannered and dignified little Chihuahua. He recently died unexpectedly. His owner loved him deeply and is devastated by his loss.

Almost all pet owners experience grief from the loss of a pet, but there is a wide range of how intense that grief can be. It is not unusual for someone, especially dealing with the loss of a particularly treasured pet, to suffer significant emotional stress, perhaps for an extended period of time. I called my friend Fran Caradine at Sequoia Counseling Services, Inc. to get the information for this column.

First, it is important to realize that grief, even deeply felt grief, is not abnormal, has nothing to do with how "strong" you are, and you should not feel foolish about it. It is important to openly express your grief. Don't be afraid to cry. My family and I have cried over the loss of pets, and so have most of the people that have worked for me. Crying releases internal tension and facilitates healing.

There are no predictable time limits or clear stages in the grieving process. I know people who still become emotional remembering pets that died years ago. Time does help, however, and the sympathy and understanding of friends and family is critical. Even if a friend doesn't say anything, just being there and being sympathetic helps.

Women and girls may be more likely to express grief openly, while men, and especially adolescent boys, are more likely to suppress those feelings. It may also be more difficult for some men to understand someone else's grief over the loss of a pet. Anger often comes along with grief and women may have trouble expressing those feelings.

Talking about your feelings, or writing about them in a journal, or making a scrapbook or photo album, can help the healing process. Years ago, when I had to euthanize our dog Snap, both of our kids immediately started writing stories about her. Sharing memories of the pet with others, especially supportive people like a minister or priest, can help. Adults should encourage and help children do these things.

If a pet was euthanized, it is important to make it clear to children in the family what happened and why. That may be hard to do, but trying to cover it up, or telling little fibs about it, can only make things worse in the long run.

Ceremonies and rituals can help children as well as adults deal with grief. It doesn't have to be anything formal or very fancy. A simple burial in the back yard and scattering of flowers on the grave, or scattering of ashes in the pet's play area. A chance for family members and friends to say a few words, or tell a little story, share a memory. On the rainy night when I buried my old dog Ben in the back yard, I hung his tags on the tree limb above his grave. Burial or scattering ashes can provide a degree of closure.

Something to memorialize the pet may help. You can have a small flat slab or a round river rock etched with the pet's name. Fluffy's owner put a memorial rock in the front yard of our clinic. You could plant a memorial garden, or tree, or perhaps make a donation to an animal shelter.

A professional counselor may be able to help you understand your grief, and can ask the questions and make suggestions that will help you deal with it. There is also a website, www.centerforloss.com, with a lot of good information, books and literature that may help.